Posted by Eric Wilson
Recap from Part 1: Standing in my kitchen at 2 AM, I finally admitted I was drowning in a depression I’d been hiding. Male depression looks like anger and numbness, not sadness. My attention was scattering in four directions, but recognizing this became the first step toward understanding what was happening.
The morning after my kitchen revelation (part 1), I went for a walk. Not because I felt like exercising—because anger was building in my chest like steam in a pressure cooker, and I needed to fight back against circumstances destroying my life.
It was so hot that steamy August Florida moring all I could think about was breathing.
I came home exhausted, feeling like I’d accomplished something. When Michelle asked how it went, I said, “Great. It really cleared my head.”
It was a lie. I’d just postponed the real work.
The Acceptable Faces of Male Depression
Men are allowed to be angry, work obsessively, go numb, drink, or isolate. What we can’t do is admit we’re sad, scared, or broken.
These “acceptable” expressions feel safer because they don’t challenge masculine ideals. But they’re actually sophisticated forms of emotional avoidance that trap us in the patterns creating depression.
Anger became my drug because it felt powerful. When you’re angry, you’re fighting, not failing. It’s someone else’s fault, not yours.
Using the Attention Compass, I can see how anger pulled my attention away from center:
- North: “I’m not inadequate—the system failed me”
- South: “Others have undeserved success while I suffer despite doing everything right”
- East: “Everything will be fine once I get what I deserve”
- West: “If people had treated me fairly, none of this would have happened”
Workaholism felt virtuous. Twelve hours of daily job-hunting felt responsible. But frantic activity can be an escape just like lying on the couch. When you’re constantly busy, you don’t have to sit with difficult feelings.
Numbness felt like relief after months of emotional intensity. No rage, no panic, no crushing disappointment. Just… nothing. I told myself this was maturity, but I was disconnecting from emotional signals that might have guided healing.
The Vibrational Trap
What I understand now is that these strategies kept me locked in the lowest consciousness levels:
Level 4 (Fear): The desperate job hunting, the constant worry—all fear-based reactions that kept me in survival mode.
Level 3 (Apathy): The numbness felt like peace, but it was actually resignation masquerading as acceptance.
Level 2 (Guilt): Underneath everything was crushing self-blame for “failing” as a provider and protector.
These aren’t just emotional states—they’re actual energy frequencies that attract more of the same experience. Operating from Levels 2-4 creates a reality that confirms your worst fears about yourself.
Why These Strategies Backfire
Anger pushed people away. Michelle stopped sharing struggles because my rage made every interaction feel like a minefield. Friends stopped calling because conversations became exhausting.
Workaholism avoided real work. I was so busy trying to recreate my old life that I never considered whether that life had been sustainable, or what a new life could feel like.
Numbness prevented growth. Emotions aren’t just feelings—they’re information. By shutting down, I ignored crucial data about what needed to change.
The Attention Compass Breakthrough
The turning point came when I realized these “coping strategies” weren’t coping—they were attention-scattering patterns making depression worse.
But this recognition revealed something hopeful: if I could notice when attention was pulled in these directions, I could practice returning it to center. From the center, different responses became possible.
The first time I found the center during a depressive episode, I was shocked. It wasn’t happiness or answers. It was presence—the capacity to be with what was happening without immediately fighting, fixing, or fleeing.
From the center, I could feel sadness without being destroyed. Acknowledge fear without being paralyzed. Notice anger without being consumed.
Most importantly, I could see my family clearly again—not as burdens I was failing to carry, but as people I loved who were navigating this crisis too.
The Conversation That Changed Everything
When I finally told Michelle “I’m drowning and don’t know how to save myself,” I expected disappointment.
Instead, she said, “I know. I’ve been waiting for you to let me help you.”
That response broke open something sealed shut for months. Not weakness—connection. Not failure—honesty. Not the end of strength—the beginning of different courage.
That moment shifted me from Level 4 (Fear) toward Level 7 (Acceptance). Not acceptance of defeat, but acceptance of reality—including the reality that I needed help. Opening up what I couldn’t see, the possibility of getting that help.
Hope springs eternal.
Coming in Part 3: What healing looks like when you stop trying to be strong and start learning to be real. How the Attention Compass becomes a practical tool for navigating depression, and why admitting you’re not okay shifts your entire vibrational frequency toward solutions that were invisible before.
Tired of choosing between anger and numbness? The strongest thing you can do is admit when you need help. Email me at eric@theattentioncompass.com
Eric Wilson helps men navigate depression through practical tools that honor both struggle and growth. His approach shows how vulnerability and strength aren’t opposites—they’re partners in authentic development.